We've Moved... to a new SUPERCOOL domain...

You may have noticed there haven't been many updates lately... that's cause we've moved. Don't ask me why I'm using the plural we... it just sounds cooler.

Anyways, check us out LifeofMatt.net... big things are coming.

Making Connections In the Moment: Inherent Value

Over the next few months, I'm going to be interspersing my own new original articles with both guest content and older articles that some of my new readers may not have seen.

This article is the latter, and is in my opinion among the top three articles on communication I've ever written.

Here it is:

Words are not words... they are just a flowing of value. Not an exchange, but a flow.

You do not judge people based on words, you are just feeling the inherent value that those words express. This comes from the core of the person, everyone can appreciate this inherent value. When you respond (and you respond with all your being, words are just a small part), you are acknowledging this value, and you are giving a part of yourself... letting your value flow forth.

Ever noticed how good music can get you into the moment? Listen to others like you listen to the music. You are merely enjoying the Inherent value that the music is holding in itself. You can start to sing along... Acknowledging the songs value without judging it, as well as giving a part of yourself. I have seen dismal rooms TRANSFORMED when one person comes in just singing a tune. Eventually everybody is doing it... allowing the value to flow throughout the room.

This is the same thing that happens in conversations where somebody is competely in the moment. Their value flows forth, affecting everybody. I have been this person, I have been affected by this person. You know the one I'm talking about.

You too can be this person. There are several ways to get yourself to this state, where you're not thinking or judging, just letting the value flow throughout the interaction.

The first way to do this is to listen for the inherent value coming from others. Don't try to listen to their words (hear their words all the same) just try to listen to their value. Passion is the biggest indicator of core value, the easiest to spot. Listen to the passion behind someones words, and you will soon be moved into this state. The Inherent value is always there, passion just brings it to the surface.

The next thing to do is to VOICE YOUR THOUGHTS. Thoughts are poison to the flow of value. Having long trains of thought will disrupt the flow of value. Instead of continuing to have the thoughts voice your thoughts stop thinking. By vocing your thoughts directly after you have them, you are effectively stopping the thought train in its track. Your inherent value is being voiced.

Another imporant aspect is to feel your value. I don't know if other people have this, but I actually physically feel this as a WARMTH throughout my body, a stillness in my mind, a fluidity to my movements. Value should flow from you when you are sitting, just sitting. You will get stares, people will feel the value flowing to them.

Senses, use them. Hear, smell, taste, feel, see. Don't judge. Hear, and be in wonder of the sounds. Smell, and let the joy of the smell spread through you. Taste, let your body be overcome by the sentation. Feel, and let all your warmth be amplified, the touch of a female when you are communicating like this is electric. Value flows from and to you and all becomes amplified. See. See the value. Not physical but tangible still. Value flows.

Feel the flow of value with all your senses.
See the inherent value in all people.
Be the value, until it is YOU who is flowing throughout.

The Law of Average Joes

"You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake;
you are the same decaying organic matter as everything else.
We are all part of the same compost heap; 
we are the all singing, all dancing crap of the world."

- Tyler Durden (Fight Club)

I call it The Law of Average Joes:

On average, you are average.

You may have a very discintive nose, or a distinctive thought process, or a distinctive emotional pattern... but on average, you're just like everybody else.

On first glance,  this can seem rather offputting... almost insulting.  In a culture where individuality is prized above all else, the notion that there are more similarities than differences between us can seem like an attack.  

"But my differences are what make me, ME!"

-Anonymous

Anonymous has a great point, and I don't think his/her words are necessarily false or untrue... but I don't think what I'm saying and what anonymous are saying are any different.  However, what I am saying, is that I think that in our quest to be individual, we've lost sight of our similarities.  And, far from it liberating us, I think that we've ended up making things harder than they should be.

What am I talking about?

Well, let's say that someone wanted to figure  out how to change a habit.  They might start out with brute force, just trying to stop cold turkey.  If that didn't work, they'd try a variety of different techniques, whatever made sense to them, until they finally found an effective way to change the habit.  But what if they decided that before they tried to change the habit, they would first start with The Law of Average Joes.  Rather than starting from scratch, they would start out trying to find other people who succesfully changed habits, and find, on average, the techniques that seemed to be most effective.  Even better, they might try to find someone who has done Research on how the average joe changes a habit. Again, not every technique would work perfectly for them, but, on average, most of the techniques would.

Seems pretty common sense, almost not worth making a post about... except I think we often discount The Law of Average Joes in the name of uniqueness and individuality.

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."

-Douglas Adams

As Mr. Adams 
eloquently points out, we often fail to use many of the great resources at our disposal to take advantage of The Law of Average Joes, such as "recorded history," "scientific research," and (probably the most frequently discounted of all), "advice."

To illustrate this point, lets take an example that isn't quite as neutral as changing a habit... happiness.  Surely, happiness is a personal and individual thing... surely no two people have ever become happy in quite the same way.  While this is true, The Law of Average Joes still holds.  Turns out, that while the specifics are different from person to person, on average, people who are happy are happy for similar reasons.  If being happy is one of your goals (and isn't it on most people's top tens?) you may want to check out some of the cool and relatively recent research being done in positive psychology.

The fact that "on average, you are average", leads to some other very liberating conclusions.   Of course, this law does not discriminate... it applies to everybody.  When you then apply it to the comparison of two people, you arrive at what you might call The Second Formulation of The Law of Average Joes:

You have as much in common with any given person as you have differences with them.

So why is this liberating?

"So, let us not be blind to our differences - but let us also direct attention to our common interests and to the means by which those differences can be resolved."

- John F. Kennedy

Because it means you can find common ground with ANYONE.  When you realize that you have more in common with someone than there are differences, you realize that there's no such thing as "Us and Them"... there's just Us.  And that my friends is a very liberating thing to realize.  By focusing on and finding our similarities first, we can then have common ground through which to work through our differences.

So now that we know that The Law Average Joes applies to both groups and individuals, the next logical step is to ask how we can raise the odds.  We know that things that work for most people on average should work for us too... but how can we get those odds to be ABOVE average?  The answer lies in what we'll call The Law of Similar Differences:

For every time that an individual or group deviates from average in the same way you do, this will increase your chance of success.

So in practical terms, how would one use this law?

Well, in the 1960's, researchers needed to use this law to fix the problem of malnourished children in third world countries.  They started out using The Law of Average Joes... asking themselves what the average joe did to keep their children nourished.  Unfortunately, they ran into a stumbling block.  The techniques the average joe used to keep their children nourished required money... money that their target joes just didn't have.

This is when they turned to The Law of Similar Differences... they started to look for households in the same countries, at the same poverty levels, which against all odds had properly nourished children.  They then found the common behaviors among all these households, not present in the malnourished households, and found the right behaviors to teach the malnourished households.  In Vietnam, Save the Children used this method to reduce malnutrition by nearly 80%.

On a personal level, I used The Law of Similar Differences to find a time management and planning system that worked for me.  First, I took a look at what the consensus was online... what worked for the average joe.  I found Getting Things Done, which seemed to come highly recommended.  I used it, and many things definitely worked for me, but there were a few areas that I felt were a little off.  So I went to someone I knew online who was planning and managing many of the same things I was, but was doing it way better than me.  He recommended Zen to Done and I haven't looked back since.

So there you have it, The Law of Average Joes and it's derivatives.  Tools for figuring out what works.  Do you agree with The Law of Average Joes?  Disagree?  Leave a comment and let me know.

-Matt

Further Reading:

Influencer, the Power to Change Anything (Amazon Affiliate Link)

Stumbling Upon Happiness (Amazon Affiliate Link)

Change Project: The Hearth Model(Webpage)

Creative Expression: The Forgotten Skill

Creative Expression is IMO a sorely underdiscussed topic in both the self-help and seduction communities.  Creative expression can roughly be described as anything that is not direct communication which conveys who you are.   In the video, I give some basic principles and steps to take when learning to creatively express yourself through a new medium, as well as examples.   Below, I'll give a quick outline for those of you who like reading more than watching.  I understand that the video is sucky... I'm still new at this vlogging stuff :).

1.Start With First Principles

Start with those most basic rules which have been developed for your medium, which apply to everyone who is a master... you must work WITHIN those principles to express yourself.

2.Find a Role Model that You Connect With

Once you have found the first principles, the next step is to find a role model who's style of expression resonates with you.  Straight out imitation is okay at this point, as you'll become more unique as you go through the next stages.

3. Find Moments of Brilliance

The next step is to take the baseline style that you have created, and look for places where you go ABOVE your current level.  Artwork that you think is better than anything you've done, clothes that you like more than anything else in your wardrobe, etc.  Extract personal principles of expression from these, and apply it to new pieces of art, new clothes, etc.

4.Increase Detail

Now, you use the same three techniques above but with increased detail. Instead of just the basics, you're starting to layer things together in ways that are uniquely you.

5. Add Flair

Now you add the finishing touches.  Those tiny little details that tie everything else together.  At this point, your expression should be completely unique.

6. Upgrade

Now it's time to start at the beginning again.  Look at your original baseline for even deeper moments of brilliance. Then do the same thing for detail, then for flair.  Remember not to skip anything here... you don't want to upgrade your flair, only to find that it doesn't fit with your upgraded baseline.

New Blog

For those of you who haven't noticed, I've split my blog into two.  Halffull's Journey (the new blog), is going to be for daily updates, personal goal setting, etc., such as the organization updateI promised for today. If you've been interested in those posts, you should Head On Over There and subscribe.

This blog is more about the big picture, it will contain only the big insights and articles gleaned from the smaller day to day stuff.  I've you've been skipping over the todo lists and organization updates, to focus solely on the articles, then this is where you want to be.

In other news, my new digital video camera should be arriving soon (buying a digital video camera was on my six month dreamline).  When it arrives, I think I may try my hand at vlogging.

Stay tuned.

-Matt

Cool Article by 10pin at "It's Just Talking to Girls"

The Eagles' Guide to Pimping: Check it Out.

Two Powerful Thoughts: Competitions of the Heart, and False Dependencies

Just got back from beating myself up at the gym... it was suprisingly energizing.  When I walked into the room, the energy was dull, low, and unfocused.  When I walked out of the room, I could feel the intensity.  The experience really exemplified two powerful thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head the past few weeks: Competitions of the Heart and False Depencies.  Once I fully embraced these two concepts, the energy just began to build and build, not just in myself, but in everyone else present as well... so how did this transformation happen?

Competitions of the Heart

Competitions of the Heart was a concept that I began to think about in it's current form as I was helping to coach my old middle school wrestling team.  I noticed that there was a certain type of competitive spirit that was completely non-destructive, which pushed everyone to their limits but brang people together instead of pushed them apart.  I began to refer to these situations in my own mind as "competitions of the heart".  A competition of the heart looks something like this: Everybody is going along, doing their own thing, at a certain level of intensity and drive.  Suddenly, someone comes along and kicks it up a notch.  You can see it in their face, a slight bit more of intensity, a higher level of focus.  

At first, people around them will try to make it a competition of the body, trying to match their speed or strength... then they'll realize that the challenge was not a challenge of the mind or body, but of the heart.  Suddenly, you'll see THEIR faces begin to change, with that same slightly more intense, more focused look.  This will begin to spread around the room, untill one of the competitive people decides to kick it up ANOTHER notch, and the process repeats.

The interesting thing about competitions of the heart is that they only take one person to grow. It only takes one person who challenges people not to be as good as him, but to be the best THEY can be.  In doing so, it creates a synergystic effect around the room... causing EVERYBODY to be better.  The question still remains though... if it's a competition, how do you know who's a winner, how do you measure it?  The answer is to count false dependencies.

False Dependencies

When I first began thinking about false dependencies and competitions of the heart, I didn't connect the dots between the two.  The notion of false dependencies came to my attention from one of the mentors I have enlisted to help me with my weaknesses.  He's an expert on the issues of organization, productivity, focus, and attention that I'm working on right now.  I was discussing with him the fact that my planning system had been falling apart for the past week, and I hadn't been able to get much done because of that. 

He pointed out to me that just because I hadn't been putting things into my planning system as per usual, did not mean I couldn't do them.   The notion came as a shock to me, not because it's a big huge notion that's earth shattering, but because I genuinely hadn't been thinking in those obvious terms.  I had created a false depency between my planning and my doing, that had caused a literal halt in my productivity.

This experience caused me to begin thinking about where there might be other false dependencies in other areas of my life.  I began to find them all over the place, and as I eliminated them one by one,  my productivity began to skyrocket.

Me being strong depends on me exercising, me exercising depends on me having exercise equipment, me having an exercise equipment depends on me going to the gym, me going to the gym depends on me having a car.

I began to notice some patterns of false dependencies

• Something Scary depends on Something Tedious.
• Execution depends on Planning.
• Something Hard depends on Something You're Waiting For.
• Something New depends on Gathering More Information.

then I began to take it deeper, realizing just how deeply the false dependencies ran.

Getting up depends on having arms and legs.

As I began to take it to those deeper levels, I realzied that competitions of heart were nothing more than competitions to see who could eliminate more false dependencies.  Eliminating everything false depenedcy until the only dependency left was heart, until you were running on sheer willpower alone.

I should clarify, I 'm not suggesting that you get rid of incentives, tools, and tricks, I'm merely saying that you learn to be able to live with out them, so that when you encounter a situation in which they're not there, you can still press on.  Do you really think a prize will matter when you're beginning to feel pain from pushups? Do you think pain will matter when you literally don't feel like you have the strength to continue?  Do you think thoughts will matter when you ACTUALLY don't have the strength to continue? As these false dependencies fade away one by one, you get closer and closer to relying on heart alone.    The winner is the one who gets closest.

By consciously examining your life for false dependencies (paying special attention to the patterns I mentioned  above), you can begin to develop your own heart.  The, put yourself in situations where you can have competitions of the heart, and push your heart to the limits.  IT's worth it.

If you liked the article (or you didn't) please leave a comment and let me know why, I'm trying to create content which is tailored directly to my readers.

On... those "Off days"

So, you're having one of those "off days".  Maybe you didn't get enough sleep.  Maybe somebody said something and it brought up old insecurities.  Maybe you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  Whatever the case, you find yourself slipping back into old emotions and thought patterns, not being able to make eye contact, being clumsy and meek again, instead of the assured confident person you have worked so hard to become.

And you're killing yourself over it.  You hate it.  You struggle harder and harder to pull yourself out of the slump.  You fix your body language, you try to make some clever comments in the conversation like you normally do.  But it all just comes out forced and awkward, plunging you further into your own despair.  You try to explain why you're not your usual self, but you know it's not really an excuse.  The harder you try, the more awkward it becomes, and finally you're left sitting silently, or going to the bathroom to splash cold water on your face, or going somewhere to get a moment to yourself.

And still, you're killing yourself.  What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck happened? 

At least, that's how it is for me.  I used to hate days like this, despised myself for becoming so weak again when I knew I could be stronger.  And after dozens of these days, at various points in my own growth process, I've come to a singular conclusion: 

It Doesn't Matter.

Read it again, in case you missed it the first time.

It Doesn't Matter.

It's not a big deal, really.  It's not going to ruin your life, it's not going to kill you.  I used to worry about people seeing this side of me, about how their perceptions  of me would change, of what they'd think.

Then I realized something.

Noone Knows.

No one knows that there are insecure thoughts in my head.  No one notices every slight mistake I make, every little tremble in my voice.  I was putting myself deeper into insecure thoughts for nothing.  Very few people even noticed that there was any change.

There were a few tho.  A few observant ones, who would see that someone was different about me.  That I was a little less confident than I normally was... but nothing happened.  The next day, or the next week, when I was back to my normal self, there was no change, no big shift now that they had seen another side of me.  Nothing.  And I realized my second big epiphany.

Noone Cares.

All these big consequences that I had been dreaming in my head were fantasy.  Everybody has an off day sometimes, and it's not a big deal, taken with all the positive impressions of you they have to the few off days.  People notice, then shrug it off.

And finally, there were some people who both noticed and cared.  They would worry about me, ask what was wrong, ask if it was something they did.  The people who cared that I wasn't my usual self, cared because they cared about ME.  These were the people who were the closest to me, and for these people:

It Doesn't Matter.

One off day is not going to change their feelings for you.  These are the people who will stick with you through thick and thin, one little off day isn't going to change a thing.

I finally realized that by making these off days such a big deal, all I was doing was giving them power they didn't deserve. By constantly self monitoring myself, and fighting against myself, I was just making things worse.  What started out as a molehill only became a mountain because I piled the dirt myself.  

When a day like this strikes me now, I don't worry about it.  I accept it, I understand that things will be a bit different today.  Sometimes, if I find myself dwelling on it too much, constantly monitoring myself, I'll try to get in a little exercise.  Do a few jumping jacks, wave my arms, go for a run.  Anything to get myself out of my head.   

Sometimes, you'll find that what you thought was an off day was merely an opportunity to express a differet side of your personality.  Maybe you'll be a cool, laid back guy because you have less energy.  Maybe you'll be a crazy wacky guy because your thought patterns all over the place.  But by not fighting it, it becomes merely another form of expression.

Other times, you'll find the weird feeling will go away completely, and you'll be your normal self in no time.

Still other times, neither of these things will happen.  you'll be that slightly more awkward persona you used to dread so much.  But now you know the truth: It Doesn't Matter.  and in realizing this truth, you'll find the problem won't be nearly as bad as it had been in the past... a small speedbump, and nothing more.

At the end of the day, instead of beating yourself up, you can look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself the only question that really matters at this point: What can I learn from this?

And the next day, when you wake up refreshed, confident, and alert, you can back to what you do best, knowing with utter certainty that you can handle yourself even at your worst... anything else is easy.