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Two Powerful Thoughts: Competitions of the Heart, and False Dependencies

Just got back from beating myself up at the gym... it was suprisingly energizing.  When I walked into the room, the energy was dull, low, and unfocused.  When I walked out of the room, I could feel the intensity.  The experience really exemplified two powerful thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head the past few weeks: Competitions of the Heart and False Depencies.  Once I fully embraced these two concepts, the energy just began to build and build, not just in myself, but in everyone else present as well... so how did this transformation happen?

Competitions of the Heart

Competitions of the Heart was a concept that I began to think about in it's current form as I was helping to coach my old middle school wrestling team.  I noticed that there was a certain type of competitive spirit that was completely non-destructive, which pushed everyone to their limits but brang people together instead of pushed them apart.  I began to refer to these situations in my own mind as "competitions of the heart".  A competition of the heart looks something like this: Everybody is going along, doing their own thing, at a certain level of intensity and drive.  Suddenly, someone comes along and kicks it up a notch.  You can see it in their face, a slight bit more of intensity, a higher level of focus.  

At first, people around them will try to make it a competition of the body, trying to match their speed or strength... then they'll realize that the challenge was not a challenge of the mind or body, but of the heart.  Suddenly, you'll see THEIR faces begin to change, with that same slightly more intense, more focused look.  This will begin to spread around the room, untill one of the competitive people decides to kick it up ANOTHER notch, and the process repeats.

The interesting thing about competitions of the heart is that they only take one person to grow. It only takes one person who challenges people not to be as good as him, but to be the best THEY can be.  In doing so, it creates a synergystic effect around the room... causing EVERYBODY to be better.  The question still remains though... if it's a competition, how do you know who's a winner, how do you measure it?  The answer is to count false dependencies.

False Dependencies

When I first began thinking about false dependencies and competitions of the heart, I didn't connect the dots between the two.  The notion of false dependencies came to my attention from one of the mentors I have enlisted to help me with my weaknesses.  He's an expert on the issues of organization, productivity, focus, and attention that I'm working on right now.  I was discussing with him the fact that my planning system had been falling apart for the past week, and I hadn't been able to get much done because of that. 

He pointed out to me that just because I hadn't been putting things into my planning system as per usual, did not mean I couldn't do them.   The notion came as a shock to me, not because it's a big huge notion that's earth shattering, but because I genuinely hadn't been thinking in those obvious terms.  I had created a false depency between my planning and my doing, that had caused a literal halt in my productivity.

This experience caused me to begin thinking about where there might be other false dependencies in other areas of my life.  I began to find them all over the place, and as I eliminated them one by one,  my productivity began to skyrocket.

Me being strong depends on me exercising, me exercising depends on me having exercise equipment, me having an exercise equipment depends on me going to the gym, me going to the gym depends on me having a car.

I began to notice some patterns of false dependencies

• Something Scary depends on Something Tedious.
• Execution depends on Planning.
• Something Hard depends on Something You're Waiting For.
• Something New depends on Gathering More Information.

then I began to take it deeper, realizing just how deeply the false dependencies ran.

Getting up depends on having arms and legs.

As I began to take it to those deeper levels, I realzied that competitions of heart were nothing more than competitions to see who could eliminate more false dependencies.  Eliminating everything false depenedcy until the only dependency left was heart, until you were running on sheer willpower alone.

I should clarify, I 'm not suggesting that you get rid of incentives, tools, and tricks, I'm merely saying that you learn to be able to live with out them, so that when you encounter a situation in which they're not there, you can still press on.  Do you really think a prize will matter when you're beginning to feel pain from pushups? Do you think pain will matter when you literally don't feel like you have the strength to continue?  Do you think thoughts will matter when you ACTUALLY don't have the strength to continue? As these false dependencies fade away one by one, you get closer and closer to relying on heart alone.    The winner is the one who gets closest.

By consciously examining your life for false dependencies (paying special attention to the patterns I mentioned  above), you can begin to develop your own heart.  The, put yourself in situations where you can have competitions of the heart, and push your heart to the limits.  IT's worth it.

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On... those "Off days"

So, you're having one of those "off days".  Maybe you didn't get enough sleep.  Maybe somebody said something and it brought up old insecurities.  Maybe you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  Whatever the case, you find yourself slipping back into old emotions and thought patterns, not being able to make eye contact, being clumsy and meek again, instead of the assured confident person you have worked so hard to become.

And you're killing yourself over it.  You hate it.  You struggle harder and harder to pull yourself out of the slump.  You fix your body language, you try to make some clever comments in the conversation like you normally do.  But it all just comes out forced and awkward, plunging you further into your own despair.  You try to explain why you're not your usual self, but you know it's not really an excuse.  The harder you try, the more awkward it becomes, and finally you're left sitting silently, or going to the bathroom to splash cold water on your face, or going somewhere to get a moment to yourself.

And still, you're killing yourself.  What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck happened? 

At least, that's how it is for me.  I used to hate days like this, despised myself for becoming so weak again when I knew I could be stronger.  And after dozens of these days, at various points in my own growth process, I've come to a singular conclusion: 

It Doesn't Matter.

Read it again, in case you missed it the first time.

It Doesn't Matter.

It's not a big deal, really.  It's not going to ruin your life, it's not going to kill you.  I used to worry about people seeing this side of me, about how their perceptions  of me would change, of what they'd think.

Then I realized something.

Noone Knows.

No one knows that there are insecure thoughts in my head.  No one notices every slight mistake I make, every little tremble in my voice.  I was putting myself deeper into insecure thoughts for nothing.  Very few people even noticed that there was any change.

There were a few tho.  A few observant ones, who would see that someone was different about me.  That I was a little less confident than I normally was... but nothing happened.  The next day, or the next week, when I was back to my normal self, there was no change, no big shift now that they had seen another side of me.  Nothing.  And I realized my second big epiphany.

Noone Cares.

All these big consequences that I had been dreaming in my head were fantasy.  Everybody has an off day sometimes, and it's not a big deal, taken with all the positive impressions of you they have to the few off days.  People notice, then shrug it off.

And finally, there were some people who both noticed and cared.  They would worry about me, ask what was wrong, ask if it was something they did.  The people who cared that I wasn't my usual self, cared because they cared about ME.  These were the people who were the closest to me, and for these people:

It Doesn't Matter.

One off day is not going to change their feelings for you.  These are the people who will stick with you through thick and thin, one little off day isn't going to change a thing.

I finally realized that by making these off days such a big deal, all I was doing was giving them power they didn't deserve. By constantly self monitoring myself, and fighting against myself, I was just making things worse.  What started out as a molehill only became a mountain because I piled the dirt myself.  

When a day like this strikes me now, I don't worry about it.  I accept it, I understand that things will be a bit different today.  Sometimes, if I find myself dwelling on it too much, constantly monitoring myself, I'll try to get in a little exercise.  Do a few jumping jacks, wave my arms, go for a run.  Anything to get myself out of my head.   

Sometimes, you'll find that what you thought was an off day was merely an opportunity to express a differet side of your personality.  Maybe you'll be a cool, laid back guy because you have less energy.  Maybe you'll be a crazy wacky guy because your thought patterns all over the place.  But by not fighting it, it becomes merely another form of expression.

Other times, you'll find the weird feeling will go away completely, and you'll be your normal self in no time.

Still other times, neither of these things will happen.  you'll be that slightly more awkward persona you used to dread so much.  But now you know the truth: It Doesn't Matter.  and in realizing this truth, you'll find the problem won't be nearly as bad as it had been in the past... a small speedbump, and nothing more.

At the end of the day, instead of beating yourself up, you can look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself the only question that really matters at this point: What can I learn from this?

And the next day, when you wake up refreshed, confident, and alert, you can back to what you do best, knowing with utter certainty that you can handle yourself even at your worst... anything else is easy.