Making Connections:This post is all about making connections. It's about how to take your interactions to the next level. How to have people feel like you understand them. Have them be able to understand you. How to interact in such a way that there is no mistrust or competition, only synergy and vibe. In short, this post talks about how to Connect.
Why ConnectYou do not need to do this stuff to get laid. I repeat: YOU DO NOT NEED TO DO THIS STUFF TO GET LAID. You can get laid just by projecting personality, sexual communication, and leading. In fact, these are the base traits you'll need to have in order to have the Strength of Character needed to truly connect with another human being. You don't need to connect with people or synergize with them or raise their value. So why connect? What's in it for you?
Connection improves game:In game aspects, there are two concrete things that it can help with. The first is DRASTICALLY reducing flake rate. If you have a solid connection with a girl, she is 98% likely not going to flake. If you have communicated the views taught in this thread about LBFWB (let's be friends with benefits) and other sexual frames expressed in this post, that chance of flake is going to go down to pretty nothing. Other advantage to game is post-game... that stuff that comes after endgame. It's going to allow you to convert all those One-night-stands into First-night-stands, with continuing relationships with the girls you have sex with.
Connection improves life:In addition to improving your game, connection allows for much more. The first thing it does is that by showing her that she is safe from judgement around you, it allows you to RAISE HER VALUE TO YOUR LEVEL. This means that you can always be sure that every girl that hangs out with you is as cool as you are. Additionally, connection allows for synergy. Synergy is one of the most productive types of communication there is, with constant positive energy and productivty. On an even deeper level, connection gives you a reason to be hooking up with these girls. You don't fall into the trap of needing to bed ever more girls for the validation of it. You are actually having genuine connections between human beings.
Prerequisites:This post is all about making connections, and connecting with people on a deeper level. However, before we can get to that stuff, there's a few basic prerequisites that have to be met. If you have not met these basic prerequisites, it is advised that you work on them first until you have a decent proficiency in them.
Non-Defensiveness:Defensiveness kills connection. Period. The biggest thing you can do if you want to start connecting with people is to stop getting defensive. There are a few different ways to think about and deal with defensiveness Take whichever one makes most sense to you and run with it. Resources are given for further explanation.
Defensiveness as a result of reactiveness:Defensiveness is merely a result of not knowing what you want. The result is that you end up reacting to what the world throws at you by protecting yourself, instead of proactively coming up with a solution. The solution to this problem is to have a clear set of values and principles, and to act always based on those principles, regardless of circumstances. More on this can be found in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, By Stephen Covey. Especially take a look at habit 2, Begin with the end in Mind.
Defensiveness as a learned behavior:This view holds that defensiveness and defense mechanisms were learned as a child. Children did not have the status, power, experience, or maturity to handle stressful situations in a healthy way. Thus, they have to come up with defense mechanisms to cope with these stressful situations. For instance, a child may not have liked their parents critising them, so they learned to cope with it by using humor. The defensive humor then becomes ingrained in them as adults, even when it is no longer a useful way to deal with criticism. The solution is to realize what your own specific defense mechanisms are, and come up with specific action plans to deal with them. As soon as you see a sign that they have started, follow the action plan. More on this can be found in the book Radical Collaboration by James Tamm and Ronald Luyet.
Defensiveness as a construct of the ego:The power of now holds that defensiveness is a result of a false sense of self that our mind uses to enslave us. As a result when this false sense of self is threatened by contrary evidence (such as criticsm), the ego feels a need to defend it self from destruction. It does this by lashing back, becoming confused, selective intepreting of stimuli, and other methods. The solution is to immerse yourself in the present moment, and not worry about the past or future, which the ego relies on to build its image. More on this can be found in the book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.
Enlightened Views on Sex:This is another prerequisite if you want to use these ideas for pickup. You have to realize that it is okay for girls to have sex. It is not a bad thing, it is a natural thing. Any sort of judgement with calling girls “sluts” or thinking of “sex” as some high and mighty taboo subject that is a necessary evil will get you nowhere. One great starting point for this is to read TD's article “The Secret Society” which can be found here:
http://www.rsdnation.com/showthread.php?t=27 .
Listening:First step to making a connection with somebody is to listen to them. Listening is often talked about (ironic in itself) but rarely practiced. Even more rarely is it done right. While listening, you should be trying to understand her, allowing her to express herself, verifying you understand, affirming her emotions, and accepting her. You should NOT be judging her, probing for more information, preparing your response, or “reframing” her ideas.
How to listen:- Stop talking
Pretty self explanatory here, but pretty hard especially for PUA's. Stop with the forcefully projecting your personality, stop with the off the wall comments and DHV stories, stop bantering and ballbusting... all this stuff will come later. Right now, just stand there, and allow her the room to express herself. You're not waiting or putting social pressure on her to do this, you're just letting her know that she can do so without fear of social consequences or judgment. She'll take up the offer.
- Empathize and accept
You're trying to understand where she's coming from. Realize that every viewpoint is valid, especially to the individual who holds it. Understanding a viewpoint you don't agree with is a great opportunity for yourself, to grow and see things in a new light. If you're passing judgment, you're still projecting your on views onto their viewpoint. You should be allowing them to think and feel, trying to allow yourself to feel and think with them.
- Affirm and Clarify
Even with your best efforts, you can often misinterpret their thoughts or feelings. You need to make sure you're still on the same page by restating their feelings. This also affirms them by showing that you really do understand. Note that you're not just restating the content of the words. You're restating the content, the emotions, and sometimes even the deeper emotions or ideas. You need not agree with her when you are doing this. If she says “OMG I am having the worst night ever” you don't need to say “yea tonight sucks”, however, you should affirm and clarify: “Sounds like your night's been really hectic.” (Affirming both the content and emotion of the sentence.). If you actually misunderstood the person will correct you, allowing you to understand further. If you did understand, they will acknowledge this.
- Act.
At some point in the convo as you continue to listen and clarify she'll signal to you she wants something. She might signal she wants advice by getting more logical and asking you what you think she should do. Sometimes she'll want a hug, or a kiss. Sometimes she'll want you to stop her from talking, push her onto the bed, and have your way with her. Point is that if you're truly listening you'll pick up on these things. At this point she no longer wants you to affirm or clarify... she feels understood. She wants you to act.
Seek first to Understand, then to be UnderstoodIn Stephen Covey's book, this is the fourth habit. The idea is that before people are ready to understand you, they must first felt that they themselves have been understood. This is another way to explain listening. He also goes over the skill of Empathic listening, which is mentioned above.
Listening as a Result of Being in the MomentIn Eckhart Tolle's book the Power of Now, he talks about the fact that when you are communicating in the moment, you give the other party the greatest gift of all, the gift of listening without judgement. In this viewpoint, listening comes as a natural result of being in the moment, as you are not letting your own ego cloud your perception of the other person. It is important when you are doing this to still clarify and accept, as human beings are fallible and will misunderstand eachother EVEN when no bias is present.
Hold the SpaceTwo posts on RSDnation caught my attention that explain the first two steps of listening VERY well. They both used the metaphor of basically allowing the girl SPACE to express herself. If you think about it, a human being is constantly feeling pressure from all sides to conform to this or conform to that. Your job is to allow her a SPACE that is free from all these pressures. Like when she's with you she's in a little protective bubble free of judgment. The two posts that caught my attention were the post by Sanik called Hold the Space, and the post by Hal Moore called Give Her Space In Your Frame.
(Posts by Sanik
http://www.rsdnation.com/showthread.php?t=14127 and Hal Moore
http://www.rsdnation.com/showthread.php?t=15005 )
Listening as a Way to get rid of DefensivenessThis describes listening as a kind of a way to get rid of defensiveness in another person. The idea is that listening builds trust, and trusts creates willingness to listen. More on this view can be found in the book Radical Collaboration.
Listening = Pacing and LeadingListening can also be explained as pacing and leading. Pacing and leading is a method from NLP which says that you must first agree with a persons point of view, (pacing), then you can change that point of view (leading). The traditional model of pacing and leading was spend three times as long on pacing as you do on leading. So the idea would be pace, pace ,pace, lead. Pace, pace, pace, lead. Pacing and leading is actually meant to mimic the behaviors of listening, without actually trying to understand. NLP was based on modeling effective communicators and figuring out how they do what they do. More on Pacing and leaders can be find in the book Frogs into Princes by Richard Bandler and John Grinder.
The many levels of listening:As you get better at listening, you're going to find yourself listening on deeper and deeper levels. At first you may just find yourself listening to the content of her words. Then you start listening for emotions. Then you may start listening for intent. At this point my communication focus almost exclusively on intent. Empathizing and Accepting is no longer that much of an issue... it's a default state. Affirming and clarifying is not yet automatic tho, so I still have to think about it.
Examples:Lights Off:For instance, a girl says “I want the lights off”, I hear the intent of “I'm insecure about my body, I don't want you to judge me on it.” I affirm and clarify this intent: “You're worried about what I'm going to think.”. She responds “Yea, I'd rather use my imagination.” I hear the intent: “I want you to protect me and make me feel secure.” I act: “First off, I don't judge people... ever. Secondly, as for as your body... “I'll be the judge of who's sexy and who's not here.”... turn on lights, remove clothes... she's always beautiful and I let her know this.
Please Don't Not Forget to Not Read This:Open relationship chick was sitting on my bad trying to do homework. She can't concentrate. All of the sudden she spontaneously starts journaling about her feelings and shit. When I try to look, she pushes me back and says “I don't want you to see.” I hear the intent: “I want you to read this.” I affirm and clarify: “You mean you DO want me to read it, but you don't want to say it.” She says “No” as she gets up to go somewhere else, leaving the computer. I hear the same intent: “I want you to read this.” Again, I'm still not 100% sure I've understood, so I affirm and clarify: “I'm gonna read it now, what parts can I not read?” She responds “No Don't! I dunno which parts are okay.” I finally understand the actual intent, I clarify. “Is there something specific you want to discuss?” She responds : “Yes.”. I act: “Okay... let's talk.”
A word on assuming higher valueAssuming higher value is retarded. First of all, the words “assume” and “high value” should never bee in the same sentence together. For a start, assuming is an INHERENTLY low value behavior. Tyler's third rule: “assume absolutely nothing.” Secondly, if any of you guys out there are still trying to LOWER a girls value... consider this. This is another LOW VALUE behavior. Why would a high value dude want to get LESS value from the interaction. If anything, I'm going to EXPECT her to match my value... only then can we have a good interaction. Notice the difference. Expectations are reinforcing standards. Assumptions are shoving blame off yourself by putting the burden on somebody else. More on this later.
Knowing when to projectHesitant to put this section in, because you can look at it and immediately go, OH, so you actually DON'T have to listen when you don't feel like it. That's not what I'm saying at all. Oftentimes the most fruitful times to listen are times when you want to shut the person up immediately. It usually means their views are very different from yours. Anyways, now that I have that little disclaimer:
How to know when Enough is EnoughThere are some times when you won't get the signal to act. Sometimes the person will get stuck in a thought loop, and won't want their mind to be changed. Other times they may be so in state that they can continue to talk for hours, or they may get so excited that someone is finally listening to them that they try to get every single thing off their chest that has ever bothered them. In any case, you have balance what they want with what you want.
Note that you should always understand them FIRST before you feel like it's okay to project over them. But if a girl is super in state and just rattling off topic after topic, which you already feel like you get, and all you want to do is make out with her... then go for it. It's all about personal standards. “Okay, I've understood you... my turn”.
High Value is a two way StreetAgain, you are expecting her to have high value behavior. Accordingly, you've been treating her with high value behavior. You haven't been judging her, or telling her what to do. You've been listening, staying drama free, and not worrying about society. You are expecting her to have these high value behaviors as well. If you're giving her the space to be high value, and she continues to act in a low value you, you need to project over that. It is not okay. If she's doing messed up things
Dealing with DramaOne of my other personal standards is that I don't do drama. Whenever I sense that a girl is trying to drag me into it, I immediately cut her off and make it clear. For instance, a girl has called me two or three times talking about wanting to kill herself. I never listen to that thread... that would be empowering the drama. Instead I immediately cut her off and let her know that drama is something I don't do. I will continue to listen to her, but if she brings up suicide again, I won't acknowledge it.
Dealing with BitchingAnother common one for me is bitching sessions. A girl will start rattling off all the things that are going wrong with her. She gets stuck in the negative thought loop, and instead of asking for advice like usual will just keep going and going and getting herself more worked up. She says something, I affirm, she says, “Yea, exactly, and you know what's even worse...”. The cycle continues. When this happens, I see that she's not going to signal me to act, I'm going to have to do it myself. I will typically cut her off mid-bitch. “Okay, now I talk, and you listen.”. “okay... but one more thing...”. She's so caught up in the thought loop she goes on another rant. Give her a little bit of time to vent, ask “anything else?,” then finally I go on a little rant of my own, telling her exactly what she needs to do to get herself out of the situation.
SynergySynergy is what happens after everyone feels understood. It is the essence of teamwork rather than conflict. In community terms, it's the result of MUTUAL unreactiveness. There are no negative emotional reactions to disagreements, or emotional attachments to viewpoints. Both viewpoints are respected, and any logical disagreements are still accompanied by positive emotions. This completely negates the concept of frame control. In this case, there is not one person controlling the frame, but rather there is a shared frame, Which allows for the expansion of viewpoints, creating something neither person could have created by themselves.
Value the DifferencesThe essence of synergy , as Stephen Covey puts it, is to value the differences. The great thing about synergy is that there is no negativity attached to differences. There is actually positivity attached to it. The reason that differences are so important in synergy is that really anybody can have a synergistic experience
People Completely in the momentAnother way to think about synergy in a more Power of Now way is to think of at is two (or more) people interacting with each other completely in the moment. The idea is that when two people can interact with eachother with no ego involved, sharing perspectives but not becoming attached to them, and allowing the positive energy to flow throughout the interaction, you can actually take the interaction to a whole new level. Two people in the moment will actually build off of and add to each other's energy.
Vibing as SynergyAnother way to achieve synergy is through vibing. This form of synergy is actually achieved by ignoring or sidestepping differences rather than valuing them. You guys have all felt that vibe where you're just chillin with your friends and someone says something funny, then someone builds on that, and you guys can just go back and forth cracking each other up. Building on the vibe. In his article on the subject (to my knowledge the only article on the subject), Tyler talks about a number of things necessary to create a synergistic vibe. Knowing when it's someones chance to hold court, no cutting off or frame battles. Rhetorical sequencing (this is just another form of listening), and many other things. He mentions this scene
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORmk-gb_nx8 in goodfellas. Which is good (if fucked up) example of group synergy. Tyler's original article can be found here:
http://www.rsdnation.com/showthread.php?t=59.
Flirting as SynergyThis is one a lot of you guys should be familiar with. You know the situation. You say a cheeky line to a girl, with that special voice tone, and she immediately perks up. Without hesitation she comes back with a retort, building on your original comment. You take what she gives you and without thinking immediately come back with a witty comment of your own. At this point both of you are grinning like idiots for no apparent reason. This is synergy in the form of flirting. There is an excellent example in this post about Meta-Communication by SteveUk
http://www.rsdnation.com/showthread.php?t=15436, Meta-Communication is another name for synergy.
Sex as SynergyAccording to Stephen Covey, sex is one of the most synergistic experiences there is. After all, in order to have sex, you have to VALUE THE DIFFERENCES
. I hesitated writing about this, because until a few weeks ago I had just been having a lot of awkward sex. However, with practice, my sex has begun to get more and more synergistic. Again, the common theme here is no judgement, no thought, and taking their point of view without question and adding your own spin on it. An excellent example is THIS post by Android
http://www.rsdnation.com/showpost.ph...91&postcount=9 , Notice his description of the acts. He would say something, she would take it and add her own twist, he would take that and add to it... etc. This is the essence of synergy. For more on synergistic sex, look up information about Tantra and Tantric Sex.
Synergy in Groups: Becoming the Social ContextSynergy in groups requires a little bit more than just listening. Stephen Covey likes to call the action necessary to create synergy in groups an “act of courage.” The basic idea to create synergy in groups is that you need to be of such a strong frame that everybody feels okay being open because YOU'RE okay being open. While Covey refers to it as an act of courage, as PUA's I feel we should be that courageous guy all the time. You need to be that strong leading presence that says it's OKAY to be a little loose, and maybe even prod people in that direction. It's not just okay... it's EXPECTED.
A great example of this is in my FR Here :
http://www.rsdnation.com/showthread.php?t=14107 in which I start a game of strip spin the bottle. For more on being the social context, check out any FR's from Manwhore.
The “Friend zone”Why it's bullshitI know what you guys are thinking: But Halffull, if I do all this “connection” and “listening” stuff, won't I end up in the friendzone? The answer is yes. Or no. Or Maybe. The truth is that the friend zone as it is commonly understood by the community is a myth. My proof? I regularly have sex with my female friends.
The fact of the matter is that as long as there's no animosity, and a few basic conditions are met, most girls are EXTREMELY receptive to escalation. Very little attraction is needed. As long as she's sure that:
- A. She's not gonna get a reputation as a slut.
- B. You're not gonna be a needy chode.
and - C.There's a clear understanding of what's going to happen afterwards.
You should be good to go. The irony is that a guy having these beliefs is actually attractive in itself. Bottom line is: sex feels good, it enhances connection, and it's healthy for you. Why would she say no?
Sex = FriendshipWe already touched on the basics of being sexually enlightened. I'm just gonna go over a few beliefs of mine that I believe have been especially helpful in this area. Again, you have to realize that sex is not a big deal, and that it's okay for girls to have lot's of sex, before you can truly understand these mindsets.
- Sex is an assumed part of friendship... in fact it's one of the BEST parts.
- Sex is a way to create a bigger connection.
- If we are to actually do the friends with benefits thing, I CANNOT be the only guy she's hooking up with. Just as she won't be the only girl I'm hooking up with.
- I'm no threat to boyfriends... because after all we're just friends.
- you have to decide for yourself on this one. For me, if she's in a committed relationship I tell her she shouldn't be doing it. But if she goes for it, I realize it's her decision. I know that usually I am more help than harm to relationships... cause I give kick ass advice. (a result of listening).
- I DO NOT kiss and tell. EVER. To do so would be unfair to the girls who live in our fucked up society.
- Sometimes she does tho... I'm quite a catch. That's her choice.
- Relationships should come as a result of being exclusive with another person... not vice versa.
Think that you can never talk with chicks about this shit? Think again. When I start talking to a girl about this stuff, initially she's like “Is this guy for real?”... then she's like “OMG this is AMAZING!” following which she says something along the lines of “TAKE ME NOW HALFFULL!”.
Examples:Here are some AIM conversations showing examples of how this frame works. Note that I have this same conversation on the phone, in person, over text, etc. And it's not always this direct... the main idea is to adopt these beliefs, and not be afraid to share them. They will then come out naturally in the interaction. These are merely extreme examples where the subject came up and I basically just laid out the whole mindset.
I hook up with all my friends:Girl (10:37:09 PM): are u guys like exclusive or what?
Halffull (10:37:14 PM):no.
Halffull (10:37:21 PM)pen sort of thing.
Girl (10:37:30 PM)h so are you like hookin up with other chicks?
Halffull (10:37:33 PM): yes.
Girl (10:37:41 PM)h
Halffull (10:37:50 PM):haha
Halffull (10:37:52 PM):good answer :-)
Girl (10:37:58 PM):I try
Girl (10:39:53 PM):alot of them?
Halffull (10:40:02 PM): I dunno
Halffull (10:40:07 PM): I sorta just hook up with my friends.
Halffull (10:40:12 PM): it's jsut like... a thing
Girl (10:40:32 PM):hm.... do u keep them as friends after?
Halffull (10:40:32 PM): yes.
Girl (10:40:45 PM):hm
Halffull (10:40:45 PM):that's part of being friends.
Girl (10:40:56 PM):is it?
Halffull (10:40:59 PM):with me it is.
Girl (10:41:10 PM):cool
Girl (10:41:14 PM):so we arent friends?
Halffull (10:41:18 PM): we haven't hung out alone.
Girl (10:41:36 PM):whats that supposed to mean?
Halffull (10:41:56 PM): lol I'm not gonna like hook up with someone in a room full of people.
Halffull (10:42:01 PM): common sense here michelle :-)
I don't use people:Girl (1:20:13 AM): but wat i am saying is i am not to be used
Girl (1:20:31 AM): doesnt sit with me
Girl (1:21:04 AM): feel like a hooker - if a guy already has one girl and is in some sort of relationship then he doesnt need me
Halffull (1:21:25 AM): first of all.
Halffull (1:21:28 AM): I don't use people.
Halffull (1:21:32 AM): second of all
Halffull (1:21:49 AM): I don't believe in the whole "I need you" thing
Halffull (1:21:59 AM): a relationship should be used to supplement an already complete life
Girl (1:22:05 AM): haha
Girl (1:22:12 AM): thats good- havent heard that one yet
Girl (1:22:19 AM): i like it actually
Halffull (1:22:21 AM): it shouldn't be like trying to complete someone... you can't OVERCOMPLETE something.
Halffull (1:22:40 AM): third of all.
Girl (1:22:42 AM): so u dont believe in marriage
Halffull (1:22:45 AM): I'm not using a line on you.
Halffull (1:22:52 AM): so I don't appreciate the insinuation.
Girl (1:23:02 AM): no i mean i like the idea of what u said
Halffull (1:23:05 AM): gotcha
Girl (1:23:15 AM): i havent heard it before
Girl (1:23:15 AM): and i like it
Girl (1:23:26 AM): dont get all "bitchy"
Girl (1:23:39 AM): ;-)
Halffull (1:23:42 AM): ahaha good now we're even :-)
Girl (1:23:56 AM): but heres the question - do u believe in marriage
Halffull (1:23:59 AM):hmmm
Halffull (1:24:07 AM):I don't believe in marriage as it's currently set up
Halffull (1:24:12 AM):with prenups and all that
Halffull (1:24:28 AM):but other than that I see nothing wrong with it
Halffull (1:24:33 AM)rovided it's what both people wnat
Girl (1:24:39 AM): but do u believe in being with someone like that?
Halffull (1:25:15 AM):yes. Provided that both people are truly not interested in other people
Halffull (1:25:27 AM):marriage should come as a result of being exclusive, living together, etc.
Girl (1:25:28 AM): haha
Halffull (1:25:30 AM):not vice versa
Halffull (1:25:40 AM):brb
Girl (1:25:43 AM): well then goodnight mr intersting
Halffull (1:25:50 AM): gnite.
Girl (1:25:50 AM): i might harrass u tomorrow
Girl (1:25:58 AM): so be up for a pyhsical confrontation
Girl (1:26:03 AM): unless u answer me now
Girl (1:26:06 AM): and aviod it
Girl (1:26:31 AM): r u willing to tell me now and avoid me coming over there?
Girl (1:26:34 AM): tomorrow that is
Girl (1:29:29 AM): ??
The “no sex zone”Anyway's, now that I've debunked the whole “friend zone” thing, I'm gonna throw you a curveball. Sure, there's no such thing as a friend zone. But there is something you should watch out for. This is what I like to call the “no sex zone.” Avoiding the no sex zone is simple. It goes back to listening. I already talked about it up in the listening section. She's going to be telling you that she want's you to escalate. If you are listening to her, you'll hear her telling you that... and you'll escalate. Simple. However, it's when you DON'T listen to her that you into problems. If you continue to ignore her when she sends these signals, you WILL be put into the no sex zone. I believe TD calls this “taking windows of opportunity.” Jack Diesel goes over all aspects of this in his excellent post: “The Deeper Side of Qualifying.”
http://www.rsdnation.com/showthread.php?t=11691 .
. This is something that I've been wanting to post about for awhile, and a feel there are some guys on here who this could really help.
. I do crazy stuff with our glowrings, putting them all together and shit. I take a picture of her with my phone. Show her the picture. She says she'll put her number in too. I hand her the phone. Numberclosed.
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